In me, is there a wanderer?

This is the dream that causes my existence to ache, for I am too attached to carry this out. This is the dream of a wanderer caught in the net of urban systems and institutions, willing to succumb to see a few smiles and a beg a few hugs. Is it all worth it? This summing up can only happen in my last moments, but I have gotten used not to regret anything - and this too shall pass as just an aching sore...

I attain Peace only through writing, for this is how I speak to myself. Am I a wanderer?

The most important thing for me is to grow inside and not outside, for that will take its natural course. My serious battle is with myself, my questions, and my travels. How do I intend to wander if I feel myself connecting and attaching everywhere? I feel compassion for every soul that passes my existence, whether they sell me a bus ticket or find me in this myriad of internet networks. Probably, the trick is not to detach, but to attach in a pure manner.

If I attach, philosophy tells me I am not free, but there I differ! Every soul has some wisdom to part towards you. My wandering lies in meeting people, many more as they come my way and I go towards theirs. This can be done through the simple physical practice of nomadic behaviour. But, sitting within my seat, hot and comfortable, in Chennai, I am still a wanderer. I wander day and night within myself, carefully sharpening my ears to another's trials, questions, searches, and knowledge.

This strikes me, when the most "mundane" questions are thrown my way. Not, when someone asks me "What is life?" or "Who are you?" (for these actually seem mundane and fixed within languages). But, when a bus conductor seriously questions a boy hanging out of the bus, "If you insist on hanging out and crowding the bus by not letting people in, how will I sell tickets and still save your life?" This is a trial many bus conductors live day in and day out. This, of course, can be solved by re-planning buses itself. Apparently, boys love hanging out of the bus for two simple reasons - it is the test of their youth, and the women sit on the left side next to the door. So, bus drivers could start selling the tickets, like done in the West, and the women could start sitting on the right. But, won't this put conductors into further turmoil, for they would have lost their jobs?

For me, the most important searches lie in trying to question our every day realities that involve more souls than anything else. This is not theology, strictly left to certain practicioners and theologists. This is not just the path for philosophers, anthropologists, sociologists, or any others who like to stay within their definitions. This is for those who are ready to live the every day life apart from the personal politics and ideologies, with a humble openness to receive and debate.

Again, this debate, though I testify an inner process, isn't reserved for the individual. It is the discipline of dialogue that strengthens this state. For a wanderer, doesn't need to free her physical proximities, but actually test her intimate proximities. Who are you willing to love? Who are you willing to tolerate? Who are you willing to receive?

If I let that creep who insisted on staring at my breasts just get away, I would really feel misused. Instead, I shout loud at him and further question myself and others, "What is it that men find so interesting or stimulating in looking at women in such a disrespecting manner?" This is not just sick behaviour, but a condition in itself. Why does a man feel justified when he does this? How can he find the right to blame my clothing? What brought about this condition? Women, cannot free themselves of this blame too. However, it may be progressionist for a woman to write about a penis, some women can get down to the insociable side of actually extracting pleasure from a rubbing a man's groin in the bus. Should a woman also start questioning a man's clothing? Why is it that women are told what is dirty and what is not, according to the men's conveniences? Why is masturbating looked at as a social and psychological dysfunction by counselors? My mind wanders.

It is only when I speak, ask and read, that I realize most of the times I do not ask new questions. However, this hardly matters. I ask, I imbibe and that is all that matters.

In order to wander, there are only two disciplines I have left to learn - the hardest. They are, to free my ego (not to suppress it, but to understand it as well as I understand desire in all its forms for myself) and to remain honest (this is the art of creating silence within oneself and the ability not to hurt another soul's integrity).

The art of creating silence does not mean suppressing, again. It is the art of strengthening decisiveness, the openness to mistakes, the ability to imbibe energy, beauty and knowledge from an entity (soul, idea, plant, elephant, etc), the simplicity of common sense, the sensibility of cultural propriety, the character of integrity, the humility to see beauty in every soul, and the sense of belief in the purity of existence and disappearance.

Silence, this is what this piece leaves me with now.

And...

Silence,

is what I intend to leave you with forever.

Breathe Silence.

"Pornography" shouts the Voyeur

- copied version of the review posted on Chai Kadai

This is not an age of revolutions, but dullness, we hear. However, innovation might have not completely died. Some anonymous characters have made the sexy bhabhi image sell all around the world, with one website, and beautifully illustrated comics.www.savitabhabhi.com

While most of the media is busy type-casting terrorism, Savita Bhabhi turns all of it into a voyeur’s treat with her new adventure. Yes, she is in her dream frolicking around Kashmir with terrorists, undercover policemen, and all men. A typically undercover look at pornography and sexcapades, currently facing CyberMedia News’ petition to block the site and follow it with a CBI inquiry to bring the owners of the Canada website to book, the site is still going strong. Strong in visuals, views, and colour! However, stronger than ever, Savita Bhabhi claims to “Save the World one Dick at Time,” in the newest issue. Pornography is down-right illegal in this country, and even talking about sex is not acceptable in many cases. But, under-cover or not, this team sensationalizes sex with India’s first porn star, not being a person, but a perfectly voluptuous comic book character.

It is not really unacceptable for a man to get horny or think about sex. This is taken to be natural in any Indian community. But, with “Indian culture” pushed down women’s throats, even her fantasies are subjected to the Censorship board. “Think what you want within your four walls, but if you speak of it you’re a heretic, a witch, or a bitch.”

Do you find this sick? Women get raped, people sever each others’ heads, children get abused, families kill each other within four walls, and all this stays within those walls, because it is immoral to talk about this and spoil one’s status in society. These voyeurs of perversion can carry on under-cover and we’ll shut about them. But, one innocent site that just draws sex we have our problems with. Who isn’t a voyeur? Savita Bhabhi at least has the element of class!

It is fine to be a voyeur of violence nowadays, when we watch Mumbai attacks sensationalized on TV increasing the TRP ratings. It is perfectly fine, to watch those TV Channels announce “We will be back after a short commercial break,” just after they announced casualities of hundreds with a presentable smile on their face. All this is fine, but being naturally primitive and excited by sex, is against the law, culture, and “God”. Phew! This world, and not Savita Bhabhi, has to be shoved down a huge drain. Those who read newspapers, watch television, stare at the breasts of a woman in the bus, photograph calamities, are all voyeurs. But, we cringe to accept any form of reality.

In this deepest intolerance of life, pornography, especially comic books, are the last evils of society. One is not raising their hand to defend snuff, child pornography, mms scandals, and forced pornography or prostitution. At the same time, one is not raising their hands in support of glorifying violence, gaping at a fashion mishap as a model’s top falls off, linking people in scandals that invade privacy, type-casting and stereotyping people with specific identities. With all kinds of men and women writing these “scandulous” incest stories all over the internet, probably India could ban internet itself. But, no what happens to the IT industry? One can just imagine the terrorised looks on the administrators’ faces. With no women, men or children gettin hurt or forced, with just art, Savita Bhabhi is probably the most decent form of pornography one has ever come across.

Enough people are out there writing about this website and its successes, but this is a statement to the society. This is a statement to societies who conveniently label their opponent as a voyeur and destroyer of “culture”. In this world of many stereotypes, connecting religion and violence, gender and position, caste and voice, this stereotype is flimsy. One doesn’t essentially need only Savita Bhabhi to corrupt any mind. We have men dragging women out of pubs with their hair. Glorifying violence corrupts people for sure, but not sex. Sex and porn is not new to this culture, otherwise the Kamasutra would not have been written, and the Temple of Love, Khajuraho would not have been built.

Sex is the most primitive instinct, and all Savita Bhabhi does is to add the excited human touch to it. But, does one think ’saving one dick at a time’ is a little too far? Actually, it is a laugh at the rest of the media. The media with their desperate additions of zig and excitement, watches as Savita Bhabhi strikes again to show the country how to excite people, if that’s what one really wants to do.

The Vashi Window

Inside a joint, if there were a million eyes:

"Sometimes I think it runs more than twenty-four hours, Where my eyes - two of them are fixed, on the simple computer of mine.

'But, it is pleasant, more than ever, to sit by a barricaded window. This looks out to not more than wheels.'

'In this bright yellow hue, I might never recognize the form of this written piece. But, I have realized that I am very much at home."

: all this and more would go into the oblivion far far away, with a drag and a gulp of coffee. Written on 03.01.2009.

Chai is warmer now.

It so happens that every time I decide to leave my computer I resort to this blog, this space, mine and old. The week was filled with great excitement and for once I do not care who reads my words and who doesn't. I am purely happy! If you want something new to read: GatelessGate Magazine is a good choice. Yes, the travel part of the month. This year has been absolutely wonderful: travel and more travel. Not very new places, but the best indeed. I am off to Goa tomorrow, and stopping for transit in Bangalore. Hopefully, will meet Shilo and so even those few hours would be coloured!! Then..the plans of December start: Goa and Bombay! Work, love and life. Experiments, ventures, and beauty! Will hopefully scribble, click, talk, and spread some wings to fly. And if so, I will come back to you with every random story on earth. for now, love... Sam

The Need to Experience and Express

Trying to really get some money out of writing, and therefore applied to an academic writing website. The person wanted me to write an essay on one problem I have used a specific process to overcome in MLA Format Essay. So, I gave it a try and she really liked it. :) 

Peer pressure is one of the most problematic social issues, which affects people of all age groups. In fact, many brands and businesses survive based on these strange habits of human beings to compare, imitate, and pressurize. In school, the peer world started to build walls that were narrowing around me; it led me to a deeper recognition of the loner in my being. This made me embrace isolation and solitude.

Let me start by asserting that my emphasis is purely on the negative effects of peer pressure, for there are many positive effects too. It is said, “Peers influence your life, even if you don't realize it, just by spending time with you. You learn from them, and they learn from you. It's only human nature to listen to and learn from other people in your age group” (KidsHealth). Here, what follows speaks of my journey of tackling with the problems of peer pressure by realizing the importance of expression.

Solitude and silence have intrinsic beauty, but emotional isolation can get psychologically and sociologically dangerous. It could be due to bullying, teasing, rumors, bad relationships, abuse or violence, mental illness, and such reasons. My experiences are a mixture of these reasons. Though I had a growing social network, I was still lonely. Ultimately, I spoke honesty only to the new kittens my cat had given birth to. Till date, I do not know if I spoke with honesty in school. It seems to me that I lied more, put on a variety of masks, gossiped, spread rumors, and shrank to insignificance. This developed a fear of contact with peers, which resulted in frequent absence in school.

It was that fine Monday morning in the Principal’s Office, which dawned upon me a variety of journeys. He looked at me pitifully and asked, “What’s wrong in school? Why do you want to keep staying at home?” I only remember crying and defending my classmates. Obviously, I loved each one of them very much then, because I still do. Many days later, he walked up in front of the assembly and said in a loud clear voice, “Speak knowing you will be misunderstood.”

The Art Room and the Library became places where I recognized my potential, and re-discovered my isolation, which was slowly blossoming into a self-accepted solitude. This was a painful process, because one needs to keep experimenting to find the exact forms of expression. I tried the refined forms like pens and paints, but I needed something louder that would break things once and for all. So, my expression and thereby my Self got re-invented through the strength of oil pastels, the harshness of ball-point pens, and the fluidity of my words. Since then, I vouch that a human merely exists to experience and express. Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding (Gibran 62).

At the initial steps of this journey, I constantly annoyed my classmates with the question – why? But, I was actually taking the easy way out by blaming them. The words I scribbled on scraps of papers unraveled many inner secrets and found out what I expected of myself. I figured I was a person who hated disappointments, lies with ease, and loves people with an easier flair. My words and the sheets of textured pastels told me to ask myself all the questions. Expression grew me. After all, every class mate of mine was going through similar problems and processes. But, to get into this world of expressions, one has to first quietly experience and then wash out a lot of prejudices. Understanding is possible only when there is observation without the centre as the observer (Krishnamurti 114). Without this, one cannot celebrate the freedom that expression entails.

Firstly, one has to overcome the pre-defined myth that whatever one spends time in should lead to a source of living. Instead, creativity, interaction, growth, and learning should happen. Secondly, one has to experiment with all forms of expression. Shouting from the rooftops, painting walls, cutting paper, scribbling on bus tickets could all be forms of expression, and thereby a constructive process of dealing with emotional isolation. A piece of expression, even a short lived sound, helps the individual reflect and develop a better relationship with the outer world. Thirdly, do not hide your expression, for it is by itself a form of sharing. The only way to make use of your expression is to build a courageous foundation to share it. Experience is the process. Expression is breaking the shell and celebrating this process.

To further demonstrate these insights, one should go through the Eschatological Laundry List that says, “10. The world is not necessarily just. 11. You have a responsibility to do your best nonetheless. 14. You can’t make anyone love you. 16. Everyone is, in his own way, vulnerable. 27. Each of us is ultimately alone. 36. You can run, but you can’t hide. 39. The only victory lies in surrender to oneself” (Kopp 223-224).

Fortunately, school encouraged this constant search in my works and behavior. The day I left school I thanked them, “Though school kept trying to describe me, even one as enigmatic, it taught me that I should never lose the sense of myself and should keep searching for the meaning of this sense.” Secretly, I was thanking my own efforts.

 

 

 

WORKS CITED

1. Gibran, Kahlil. The Prophet. New Delhi: Indialog Publications Pvt. Ltd., Jan 2002.
2. Kopp, Sheldon B. If You Meet the Buddha on the Road, Kill Him! The Pilgrimage of Psychotherapy Patients: Epilogue. Toronto/ New York/ London: Bantam Books, May 1976.
3. Krishnamurti, Jiddu. The Flight of the Eagle. Hampshire: Krishnamurti Foundation India, 1971.
4. KidsHealth Site. Took, Kevin J. November 2007. The Nemours Foundation's Center for Children's Health Media. 24 Nov. 2008 http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/peer_pressure.html.